Destructive criticism and verbal abuse
This may include shouting, mocking, accusing, name calling and threatening.
Pressure tactics
This may include sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you and telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect
This may include persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking and refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust
This may include lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships and breaking promises or shared agreements.
Isolation
This may include monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go and preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
Denial
This may include saying that the abuse doesn’t happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being gentle and patient in public, crying and begging for forgiveness and saying it will never happen again.
Stalking and Harassment
This may include following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, checking to see who has telephoned you and embarrassing you in public.
Threats
This may include making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun and threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
Sexual violence
This may include using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don’t want to have sex and any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
Physical violence
This may include punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning or strangling.
Listen to them, try to understand and take care not to blame them. Tell them that they are not alone and that there are many people in the same situation.
Acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk to them about experiencing abuse. Give them time to talk, but don’t push them to go into too much detail if they don’t want to.
Ask if they have suffered physical harm. If so, offer to go with them to a hospital or to see their GP. Help them to report the assault to the police if they choose to do so.
Tell them that no one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what their abuser has told them. Nothing they can do or say can justify the abuser’s behaviour.
Support them as a friend. Encourage them to express their feelings, whatever they are. Allow them to make their own decisions. Don’t tell them to leave the relationship if they are not ready to do this. This is their decision.
Let them create their own boundaries of what they think is safe and what is not safe; don’t urge them to follow any strategies that they express doubt about.
Be ready to provide information on organisations that offer help to abused women, men and their children. Explore the available options with them. Tell them about our helpline on 01482 446099, and how to access this website and our live chat.
Look after yourself while you are supporting someone through such a difficult and emotional time. Ensure that you do not put yourself into a dangerous situation; for example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about your friend or let yourself be seen by the abuser as a threat to their relationship.
Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship.
Acknowledge that they are in a frightening and very difficult situation
Offer your friend the use of your address and/or telephone number to leave information and messages, and tell them you will look after an emergency bag for them, if they want this.
Go with them to visit a solicitor if they are ready to take this step